Mental Health Blog

​What would you like us to learn about your family of origin and family with your child or children?​

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Ruth: My mom is from Aurora, Isabela and my dad is from Manila. They met in college, were friends for a few years, and eventually began dating. My parents immigrated to the United States in the late 1980’s, during the time of the People Power Revolution. They arrived on visitor visas and later gained residency and citizenship. My maternal grandmother joined us in the U.S. after my grandfather passed away in 2001. She stayed between my family and my aunt’s family until she passed away in 2022. I am now a mother to multi-ethnic twins, a boy and a girl, who are Filipino and Chinese. They recently turned one year old, and we are fortunate to have the support of both sides of the family, who live nearby and help with caregiving.

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Monica: My family of origin spans multiple generations. My dad will be turning 92 in November, and I am the youngest of four. Each of us, my parents and siblings, has our own unique relationship to assimilation, colonization, Filipina/x/o identity, American culture, and how we handle conflict, communication, avoidance, and accountability. These relationships were also shaped by the generation we were born into. For a long time, I struggled to understand why our values often felt so drastically different.
 

My partner and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11. Our little one just turned two.

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Michael: I am the firstborn of two children, with a six-year age gap between me and my younger sister. My immediate family includes my wife, who is of Scottish/Irish descent, and our kindergarten-aged son. As far as I know, we are the only interracial couple on my side of the family, though several on my wife’s side have married someone from a different ethnic background. My wife and I have been married for the past 15 years and have known each other for over 20.

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What are some of the biggest challenges you've faced in balancing your mental health career and your role as a parent?

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Ruth: Creating shifts to accommodate my lifestyle and to have to do this constantly. I realized how much I had to let go of my own way of living, doing, and being to make sure that my babies’ needs are met. I also did not realize how much of myself I had to give in order to parent my babies. Because of this, my days look different, my idea of work looks different, and my way of life looks different.

I think having to adjust to the limitations of time is the biggest challenge I’ve had to face. My priorities have shifted when I had my babies and most of my attention goes to them. I have changed the way I live, how I spend my time, and now how I work. I don’t think there is any prediction with time—it’s not like I can readily set aside time for myself unless it’s planned in advance.​

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Monica: It’s so easy to default to survival mode, especially after giving birth, when you're sleep-deprived and barely have time to feed yourself. That survival mode quickly became my norm and probably for longer than necessary. My entire focus shifted to my little one, and rightly so. However, as my own needs went unmet, I began to suffer, and my practice started to stagnate. While I was still able to do great work with my clients, I had no energy left to expand or market my practice’s services to others who could have benefited.
 

I’m still in the process of unlearning this survival mode and re-learning how to take up space for myself, and my career, again. It’s been a challenging journey, especially with the weight of mom/parent guilt (so real!) and the reality that my partner has needs too. Balancing it all has required exceptional time management. As a parent, I’ve had to be more intentional and efficient with my time. This doesn’t mean I’m productive every minute, but I’m more mindful about how I use my time than I ever have been.
 

Another major challenge is that being both a parent and an entrepreneur are 24/7 jobs, which often drives me to choose between family time and work. It always comes back to discernment and intentionality. And, I continuously grieve the fact that we live in a capitalist society where we even have to make these kinds of decisions in the first place.​​​​​

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Michael: One of our biggest challenges this past year has been launching my private practice. In the beginning, it involved daily or weekly conversations about adjustments, fixes, tweaks, and expenses. As parents, we’re constantly balancing business, family, and individual needs. Our communication as a couple and our ability to engage in repair have been vital in navigating these times.​​​

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What are some ways that your professional mental health background and/or skills as a therapist supported you or influenced your role as a parent?

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Ruth: As I reflect on my work with parents in the past, I’m reminded of the importance of being present and spending quality time with my own children. Each day, I make a conscious effort to give them my full attention and minimize distractions. This intentional approach has led me to embrace slowness and ease, which has shifted my perspective on work.
 

In my therapy practice, I primarily helped clients process and navigate their relationships with their primary caregivers, whether they were youth or adults. Becoming a parent myself has added a new dimension to my understanding of healing in therapy. It has brought up situations that I hadn’t considered before or hadn’t thought about in a long time. This experience has given me deeper insight into the challenges my clients face as parents, and it has enhanced my ability to support them in evolving their relationships within their families.​

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Monica: My skills as a therapist have undoubtedly made me a better parent.
 

• I am capable of respecting my little one’s boundaries, preferences, and autonomy.

• I am patient with him and meet him where he is emotionally and developmentally, rather than where I want or expect him to be.

• I can step out of my own world and into his, empathizing with how new, exciting, and sometimes even scary everything is to him.

• I stay open to his reactions and use them as cues to adjust my communication and approach to be a more effective communicator.

• I work hard to give him language for his experiences and emotions, helping him better understand and express himself.

• I can de-center my own needs and prioritize his.

• I am intentional with my words and reactions to his feelings.

• I have awareness of my own patterns as well as those from my family.

• I can hold myself accountable for my actions and the times I get upset or impatient.

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Michael: The insights I’ve gained from constantly honing and mastering my skills as a mental health practitioner have been invaluable in helping me be a supportive partner and an emerging parent. Observing, learning from, and walking alongside so many children and families has taught me both what I would like to emulate and what I’d prefer to avoid in my own parenting. Simply put, I believe I’m a more empathetic, grounded, and understanding parent due to my years in practice. However, I also begrudgingly acknowledge that despite my years of knowledge and clinical experience, I still have room to grow. Extending grace and compassion to myself as a parent who is still learning remains one of my growth edges. If you remain curious, ask me in another 20-30 years how I’m doing!​​​​​​

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Since you are all Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFTs), is there anything specific you learned from this training?

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Ruth: As an LMFT, I’ve found that the training for master-level therapists, whether LMFT, LCSW, or LPCC, is quite similar in California. The differences in graduate coursework are minimal, and in the mental health field, our roles often overlap significantly. Additionally, the supervision of associate-level therapists is quite flexible, allowing for cross-disciplinary supervision among MFTs, social workers, and professional counselors. Given these similarities, it’s challenging to pinpoint specific aspects of LMFT training that have uniquely influenced my role as a parent, as much of what I’ve learned and applied in my professional and personal life is shared across these disciplines.

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Monica: I have a similar experience as Ruth.​

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Michael: Systemic thinking and the training I received in my MFT program have been crucial. These concepts resonated with me and were easily applicable as an emerging clinician, particularly because I approached them from a more collectivistic cultural perspective. From what I understand, most CACREP-accredited or similarly accredited MFT, LPC, and other programs follow similar guidelines. So, it’s no surprise that my MFT program aligned closely with others.

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The distinction, however, lies in how the teaching staff present the material, how well it aligns with the school’s mission, vision, and values, and the quality of the student therapist cohorts during their time in the program. The ability of graduate students to absorb and apply the material also varies depending on the stage of their training.

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In your lived experience as a parent, have you gained new insights into your Filipino culture and identity? Have you found any aspects of this beneficial for your personal and/or professional life?​

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Ruth: I've learned that raising children truly takes a village, and I’m fortunate to have the support of my parents and in-laws. They not only help with caring for my babies but also with daily tasks like cleaning, washing dishes, and preparing meals. Watching my parents interact with my children has given me a deeper understanding of how they raised me, and it influences how I want to raise my own kids. Their involvement in activities like storytime at the library and swim classes has been a healing experience, reconnecting me with my inner child and reminding me of the joy that still resides within me.
 

Grounding myself in my work has been crucial during this transition. Staying connected to my Filipino identity, while honoring the different facets of myself as a mother and therapist, has been essential. I’ve been engaging in spaces that allow me to step into whichever role I need at the moment. Parenting groups support my journey as a mother, consultation groups help me grow as a therapist, and connecting with friends reminds me of who I am at my core.

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Monica: Having a child has made me more aware of the many generations that came before me. Before this, I had never felt a connection to past generations, mostly because all of my grandparents passed away before I could remember them. Sadly, they were seldom talked about. Looking back, that feels like a missed opportunity. A few years before my little one was born, I began taking an interest in our family history, even creating a family tree. Since then, I’ve become the unofficial family historian. Now, more than ever, I understand the importance of learning about our family’s past and asking questions while family elders are still with us.
 

One of my aunties, in particular, has been a wealth of information regarding our extended family with their names, nicknames, locations, and so much more that I would have never known if I hadn’t asked. When someone passes, the knowledge they hold is lost with them. It’s become so important for me to chronicle everything I’m learning and share it with my family. I feel like this is part of my ancestral journey and purpose. I can sense my ancestors encouraging me, and I feel deep gratitude for their legacies, with a strong desire to honor them and make them proud.
 

I also have a newfound perspective, understanding, and grace for my parents' struggles and the ways they couldn’t always reach or live up to their full potential. In my work with clients, I often apply this same lens. When appropriate, I invite reflections that weave in family history, intergenerational trauma, immigration stories, and more.​​​

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Michael: This is a great question! Currently there is nothing in particular that stands out for me as new insights into my Filipino culture and identity that was not already known prior to becoming a parent.​

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What Filipino cultural norms did you grow up with? Do you find yourself incorporating or wanting to incorporate them with your child or children? If so, what do you hope for with this for them?

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Ruth: I grew up understanding the importance of family relationships. My parents always reminded me that while friendships may fade, family is forever. Now, as both sides of our family help care for my babies, I reflect on how I want to incorporate these values into their upbringing. One tradition I cherish is the love language of food. During my postpartum period, I was grateful to my family for providing meals, especially dishes that reminded me of home. My mom’s cooking grounds me, and I make it a point to feed my babies her food, especially now that they are eating solids.

 

However, there are certain cultural norms I am actively disrupting, starting with gender roles. I often think about how differently males and females are treated, whether in my family, among friends, or within the community. With boy/girl twins, I’m mindful of how I socialize them and strive to break free from traditional conditioning to ensure I treat them equally. For instance, I sometimes switch their clothes or cross-dress them, and I offer the same toys in their playpen.
 

Another norm I’m challenging is the emphasis on skin tone. Growing up being easily tan, I frequently heard comments from my mom about how dark I was, often accompanied by whitening soap. Now, I notice how easily my babies tan, even with sunscreen. If someone were to comment on their skin tone, I would challenge it, recognizing the colorism that exists within our culture.​​​​

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Monica: ​​​​One cultural norm I grew up with is the practice of “blessing” or "mano po." I've already taught my little one how to do this. At the same time, I want to respect his bodily autonomy if he ever feels uncomfortable with it or any other kind of physical contact. My hope is that he will come to understand the respect embedded in Filipina/x/o culture, while also realizing that respect is not one-sided, as I was taught to believe. He deserves respect too, even as a child, and he is entitled to his own opinions, even if they differ from those of elders.
 

Other cultural norms I was raised with relate to gender. Even before my baby was born, I made efforts to protect him from gendered projections. For example, although we knew his sex, we did not disclose it to anyone to avoid receiving gendered gifts such as blue clothes for boys or pink clothes for girls. I wanted to give him the freedom to be seen as a person beyond gender and to challenge the folks in our circles to think beyond the binary.
 

In my family, toxic masculinity often showed up in the way vulnerable emotions were dismissed or even ridiculed. I actively push back against this by giving my little one language to express his emotions and reinforcing the idea that all emotions are welcome. There have been a few times when a cousin or elder has told him not to cry, and I’ve responded by saying, “He’s allowed to cry.”​

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Michael: Some cultural norms that stand out from my upbringing include our food, respect for elders, and a strong sense of hospitality like never running out of rice! There were also smaller everyday traditions, like taking off shoes when entering a home, always having more than enough food for guests, and showing affection through shared meals or gestures learned from an aunt or uncle. Education and hard work were highly valued in my family, though it's harder for me to pinpoint specific Filipino traditions my parents intentionally passed down, such as dances, stories, myths, or town-specific rituals.
 

As parents, my wife and I hope to blend our cultural voices, passing down values like respect, not just for elders, but for everyone, and maintaining certain food traditions, like having noodles on birthdays. We also recognize the important role that family systems and histories play in shaping who we are.
 

We want our son to grow up with a deep sense of being loved and worthy, while also understanding that the people he meets are equally deserving of love and respect, no matter how they present themselves. We hope he embraces qualities like respect, curiosity, a love of learning, and empathy. And as parents from different cultures, we aim to help him navigate and appreciate the richness of having a diverse heritage.

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Is there anything else that you would like us to learn about that may be valuable for other Filipino MHP or Filipino therapist parents, and the families and communities that support them?​

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Ruth: It’s okay to take a step back and fill your own cup. I believe I’m a better parent because I give myself the space and time to recharge, allowing me to care for myself before I care for my kids. Whether that means leaning on someone else to help with my babies or being proactive in managing my schedule, I’m committed to parenting from a place of thriving, not just surviving.​

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Monica: Parent guilt is simply a sign of how much you love your child. And, it doesn’t mean you have to make all your decisions from that place. When you take care of yourself, it becomes easier to be a more present and attentive parent. And when you ask for help, you’re giving others the honor of showing up for you.

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Michael: It feels like so much has already been shared in response to this question. What bubbled up or comes to mind is a quote from a long-distance mentor of mine, and perhaps yours as well: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'” – Fred Rogers

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As helpers, may we remain fit and able to compassionately respond to those who find us. As parents, may we honor and build upon the work of those who came before us, bringing forth what we’ve learned from our own lived experiences to benefit the next generation.

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